Okay, so it was only yesterday that I revealed the disgusting incidence of the miniature volcano in our kitchen, but I can’t wait for another three days to tell you : the MOTB dress has arrived! I apologize for the crack about the Chinese junk. They must have sent this over by speedboat instead, with it arriving at 9:00 a.m. this morning.
So you’re now saying, enough with the junk: how’s the dress?! (Frankly, if you’re not into this particular subject, you may as well skip it and wait for the next entry. I forgive you.) So it comes in this plastic bag so taped up I’m afraid I’m going to cut the dress opening it. I shake the dress as much as possible (not much) to the other end of the bag and make a little cut, just a little one to peek at the color. Oh god, let it be good–and it is! In fact, it looks a lot like the color of the dress the way they show it online:
And inside, attached to one of those little loops that you’re supposed to hang the dress up by (I guess) is this cryptic little piece of (unironed) jotted-on cloth:
Okay, so where’s the part about the tits? I’m assuming it’s the B with squiggles, but heaven knows what all the heavy-duty details are that follow it (“Ha, ha, look at the nipple width compared to the waist on this one! This dress is SO not her!”). Just shut up and let me try it on.
And I do, and as my mom would say, “It fits like a glove.” Not only that, it fits like those latex gloves doctors wear when they don’t want to touch your body. Man, I can hardly breathe! You’d think they’d give you a smidgen of extra room, but not these guys. I’d better not drop my handbag, as I won’t be able to bend over and pick it up. As for dancing, I think I’ll be relegated to a lot of happy vertical hopping up and down.
I wonder if losing those two extra pounds would make a difference. Or wearing my Spanx. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.