A Little Pick-Me-Up Needed

Thank heavens for Mother’s Day! I know that it’s supposed to be a Hallmark scam, but it does have its merits. I know, what could they possibly be?

Checking the invitees’ list, I discovered the other day that 87 out of about 100 guests expect to attend The Big Day. Uh oh. I got this sinking feeling that that case of champagne was just not going to be enough. But wait! This Sunday is–Mother’s Day! Hurray! We bought our first case just before Valentine’s Day (another Hallmark biggie) when it was on sale, and at Raley’s this afternoon I bought another half case–on sale! So I hope those of you who have a wedding coming up sometime in the future will take this tip and buy big right before the holidays. Put that tip right up there by buying a bridesmaid and MOB dress direct from China and you’ll shave at least a big $150+ off your expenses. Really makes a difference when you’ve already sunk [an amount Richard said we probably shouldn’t put in here] into the affair.

Meanwhile, back at Starlet’s (what a name!), the shop where we bought Katie’s dress, we went back yesterday for “The Fitting.” That’s where they check out the newly-arrived dress to be sure the bride hasn’t either lost a size in a panic or gained a size or more by chowing down in a panic. It’s interesting; they use these giant, construction-sized clippies to fit the dress perfectly (assuming you’re of the clippie class rather than the . . . well, I don’t know what they do about the brides who have assuaged their fears by eating a gallon of ice cream). Thank the Lord that Katie was of the former class. I thought she would cry, she was so entranced by her appearance on the pedestal in front of the full-length mirror. She was definitely into the magic “Queen for a Day” mode. That sort of moment kind of makes it all worthwhile.

On the other hand, you had the girl in the strapless, jewel-encrusted number who just knows she looks like hot stuff. She was just turning and preening while the shopgirls gushed about how great she looked. And she did look great; it’s just the way she knew it that sort of spoiled the show. She had that hard look in her eyes, that look of assessment: do I really have just the best f—ing boobs ‘n’ butt in this dress or what?

Another meanwhile: this morning I decided to try on my own MOB dress to avoid any last-minute surprises. It really was rather snug around the bodice when it arrived, but today I whipped out my pseudo-Spanx (hey, they were from Frederick’s of Hollywood), spent five minutes tugging it up my torso, then put on the dress that Richard has to zip up.

My, the Spanx did make a difference. But there was still the problem of the tits plastered somewhere just north of the bellybutton. The dress has boning that obviates the use of a brassiere, but there’s still a need for some kind of hoisting there.

Voila! It’s the “Pick-Me-Up Breast Lift Tape” to the rescue! All I had to do was Google “breast lift tape,” and up it comes, if you’ll pardon the pun. You should see this product: an oval of what I guess is surgical tape filled in with something non-sticky in the nipple area, and then a rectangle of tape at the top. You paste the oval on, hoist up the tit, then stick the rectangle on when the desired cleavage is attained.

And I even popped for the more expensive product, which makes sense in that the cheaper kind made in Mexico was said by reviewers to leave nasty red marks when the tape was painfully peeled off. And I guess there was some consternation over the instructions being in Spanish. Ay yi yi–this is a problem I wouldn’t need at the last minute. I can just see myself calling Gema, my Spanish-speaking cleaning lady, to have her translate: “Peel off backing. Center oval of tape over” etc. etc. A definite chance for some serious misunderstanding there. Let’s just hope the P-M-UBLT works its magic.

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About Holly J. Pierce

You thought vacationing with small children was hard? Try traveling with your two daughters in their 20's, yet be glad that you have your peace-mongering husband along. Put it all together with your own laser vision of an epic journey and you have the basis for my book. Will I ever see it published? Will those self-published volumes ever move out of the garage? We'll see, won't we.
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